Unity Youth & Family Services

Kids are the reason we lose it and the reason we try to keep it together.

Your cute little bundle of joy entered your life and you fell beyond the moon in love. This is the moment you had been waiting for! Remember those days? Or do they seem like a distant memory? 

Your bundle of joy has turned into a fit of tears, screams of “NO!” and refusal to go to bed. The arguing, defiance, and overall bad attitude has taken over. And let’s not forget the excuses and back talking!

“They started it. I had it first! I don’t want to. But I’m not tired. I didn’t do it. I don’t care. She touched me first!“

Trying to stay connected, understanding, patient, and kind towards your child can be hard. You’re trying your best not to screw up and to have all the answers. But you’ve run out of ideas. Your approach isn’t working and the arguments and tantrums are a daily occurrence. 

The sticker charts, punishments, or rewards systems didn’t work for long, if at all. The truth is that children who behave in the most difficult ways often suffer from trauma, chronic stress, neurological differences, or medical complications that make them behave in non-compliant ways. 

Your little one struggles to sit still, doesn’t share his toys, and interrupts conversations. Trying to get him to clean his room or keep his backpack organized is a lost battle. Calls from the school tell you of poor concentration and social awkwardness with peers.

The longer this goes on you see frequent outbursts, daily battles about how picky he is with food, and inability to sleep. These are all symptoms of dysregulation that could be caused by ADHD, Autism, trauma, and other mental health complications.

Despite the offhanded advice, suggestions from other professional sources, and often contradictory web searches, you’re trying everything to no avail. Spank them more. Use your dad voice. Let them cry it out.  Persuade them with a new toy. Give them their tablet. Ground them until they are 30! Ignore the behavior. Use time outs. Go left, no, go right. 

No one prepared you for this!

You read all the baby books before the baby came, so why is this so hard? Unfortunately, there isn’t a “What To Expect” When book on raising children with challenging behaviors. You’ve probably even peeked at the “Parenting For Dummies” books hoping for a miracle nugget of information to fly off the page at you.  And still, nothing….

You’re getting constant phone calls from school, reports of your little one hurting other kids, slipping grades, and behaviors at home are not any better. You thought it was just a rough patch but it’s been going on for far too long. You and your child are stressed daily, anxious about what the day will bring. As the parent you feel beaten down and like a failure. You didn’t wake up this morning thinking “how can I fail my child today?” Yet, here you are….in tears of frustration. You wonder how you messed this all up.

Behavior problems are now causing you and your child to butt heads. Anger and frustration have taken over. Yelling has replaced the talks you used to have. You’re exhausted by the negative reports, refusal to take responsibility, and are sick and tired of having the same conversation over and over again. 

You think, “I am supposed to know how to control my child’s behavior, but he is out of control and people blame me for not having it all together.” Guilt and shame take over, giving you some of the worst feelings in the world.

To avoid feeling like a bad parent, you pick up their messes because “it’ll get done quicker if I do it myself.”  You take their behaviors and choices personally like you are to blame. “It’s my fault Suzie hits people because she gets her anger problems from me.” And you gave up the fight about electronics a long time ago.

It’s like walking on eggshells at home and you just want to give up.

In a desperate move to try and improve your relationship, you find yourself overcompensating. Similar to guilty parenting strategies, you accept negative behaviors and bad choices. You avoid and ignore, you comply with their demands of you, buy gifts more frequently, and work to cover-up or defend any wrong doing to spare your child consequences from anyone else. 

When the child gets older you may switch to more controlling strategies that are harsh and critical.  Instead of the intended protection for their own good, your child sees you as a bully and may rebel. 

The cold hard truth is that ‘normal‘ teens will push boundaries and buttons, make mistakes, and be dramatic as they transition from being a kid to an adult. While our natural instinct is to guide every decision and protect them from all harm, it’s not possible. And the more you try, the more they push back.

Teens don’t take parents seriously anyway! We are old, could never understand how hard things are for them, never allow for fun, and are to blame for constantly ruining their life! As hard as it is, sometimes parents need to let go and watch the child fail and suffer natural, affordable consequences. 

But that causes you anxiety and seeing them suffer makes you want to crawl into a hole.

Parents and children have a need for clear and reasonable standards. With positive parenting strategies, improved communication tools, and focus on shaping behavior through attachment, your family can regain connection and let go of the hostility that has crept into your home. 

Unity therapists have a lot of tested tools to help you set expectations with your child in more positive ways that will improve your relationship and help you reconnect with your child.

What can counseling do for my parenting struggles?

  • Offer strategies and resources to be the best parent possible.
  • Learn tips and tricks to turn mistakes into teachable moments.
  • Provide guidance on how to model the behaviors that you want to see from your child.

Are you ready to make the best parenting decision?

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